Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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