Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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