I'm so fucking centered right now
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
