we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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