you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
