dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
