Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
