What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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