We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
