Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
