i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
