you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
