I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
