Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
