$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize