My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize