do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Is Oprah even human
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
