I think I won the penis lottery.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
