I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We need a shit load of segways right now
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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