some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
