Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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