Michael Bay diarrhea
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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