Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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