I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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