So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Barsexuality is the new black.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Randomize
