I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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