dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize