I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
