mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
