just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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