well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
