I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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