If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
