Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
