words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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