I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
no you cant smoke seaweed
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
