Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
