I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The feeling are messing with the penis
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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