please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
