she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
