The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
