I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
