i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
