Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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