bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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