In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
