the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
