I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize