Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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