Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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