I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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