Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize