all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
