Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
