Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
