I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
