In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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