So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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