party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
