Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
